Sunday, October 12

So the results on Friday at the weigh-in were not good. I gained so now i'm at 407. It was a one-pound gain so i'm not freaking out. I am glad I caught it on time. I am going to get back on track this week. I expect to have a perfect Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I am going to stick just to the Jenny Craig menu. When I follow it perfectly I always have a drop. Besides sticking to the plan. I am going to exercise everyday. I doggysit for my friend and she said that I could take her dog for a walk so that's what I'm going to do. I am going to take Jaxson for a walk in the park. I am going to charge my ipod so that I can listen to music. I'm going to drink at least 8 glasses of water. I am going to see what doing all these things does for my body. I am also going to work on my sleep not napping during the day so I can fall asleep at night. Have a great week everybody!

21 Days Left

With less than 21 days left for my birthday. The clock is ticking and i'm running out of time to lose the 10 lbs I want to lose by my bday. That is the birthday gift I am giving myself this year. Celebrating that i'm not in the fourest something I haven't been able to do for the past 3 years. So what steps am I taking to ensure that I reach my goal? Well number 1 i'm starting to eat breakfast in the mornings. It's a pain to get up early but I do it just so that I can eat something. Starving all day and coming home at 2pm made it so difficult to not be starving that I wanted to eat everything in sight so I would binge. Eating two meals in one breakfast and lunch and some days even dinner as one whole giant meal. I had been doing that over the years so much. The second thing to ensure that I reach this goal is sleep. I wasn't getting any sleep at night which made me exhausted and I had no energy to want to go and exercise. So then I would come home exhausted from school and fall asleep. But only before having 2 huge meals at once. I have been keeping myself up all day so that by the time night comes i'm dead tired. I have managed to get in a good solid 5 hours before school. The third thing is starting to incorporate more activity into my daily life. I have struggled with this last one. I am not exercising at all. The only exercise I get is walking from the parking lot to the school and back. I am proud of the fact that I still have not taken the elevator I instead climb the stairs. So these are the things that need improvement. I'm sure that once I have all of these things down solid I will see the pounds come off. Also I have to make sure to drink lots of water which is a huge struggle for me. And sticking to just my Jenny Craig food and nothing else. I like the food from Jenny but sometimes my body craves fast-food. I think its more on those days that i'm super-stressed out or depressed. Tommorow is my weigh-in at Jenny let's hope it's a good one since last time I went up from 402 to 406. Oh yeah and as for the results of the biopsy they were inconclusive which means that I had to have a second biopsy performed that same day so I should be getting the results in a few weeks. I will keep the people following my blog posted.

October 1

Gosh! I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I last posted a blog. I said I was going to blog everyday, but I have just been too exhausted. School is extremely stressful and I had 3 papers due this week. I have been doing a lot of emotional eating. I have not been to Jenny Craig in a while so I have no clue where I stand right now. It's less than 30 days until my birthday and I really wanted to lose 20 lbs by then, but I guess any weight loss right now is an added bonus. I want to lose 10 lbs by my birthday. That's gives me a good solid 4 weeks to work on that goal. I am going to get back on track this friday since I will have no excuses. My dad was having some financial problems so I couldn't afford the Jenny Craig food and without it I admit i'm pretty lost. I have even considered looking for a part-time job so that I can afford to buy the food on my own. I have to go in tommorow morning to get the results of the biopsy I had a few weeks ago. I have been losing sleep over this. I hope that everything turns out ok. Well it's late and I should go to bed. But i'm too anxious to sleep. I guess I will just watch movies until the sun comes up. I will be waiting all day in the waiting area so I will just get some sleep there.

9-11 Update

Today is 9-11 a date that will go down in history. The day the towers came down. I remember waking up that morning and turning on the tv ( I do that in the morning so I can see what time it is so I wont be late for school). I saw the plane crash into one building. I thought can this be real. I headed off to school not knowing what was going on. I turned on the radio to hear that the Sears tower might be a target that's when I knew something was wrong and I headed back home. My brother was downstairs with my dad. I was scared I didnt' know what was happening. It still scares me sometimes that it might happen again. So it was hard going into the hospital this morning and knowing I was there for a check up. It is a number that causes panic. I wanted the doctor to tell me I was ok and I had no tumors but she didn't she said I have to do a biopsy instead. I went numb. But I am not going to let this affect me I wont give it power. I know God is in control. So I have to go back in 3 weeks for the results. I know God will get me through this. As far as my weight-loss i'm 402 and i'm down 5 lbs since last week when I was 407. I am going to try to lose 3 lbs so I can get out of the fourest for good. I am excited about this week I will continue to walk as much as possible and work on getting sleep. I will not quit!

Stress!

Stress, stress, and more stress... Omg stress! lol I really need to get a handle on my stress. People are stressing me out. School is stressing me out. I can not get a grip on how to manage my stress and its messing me up physically and mentally. I can't sleep, i'm eating uncontrollably. My diabetes has gone out of control. If I keep going on like this. I probably will have some kind of breakdown, nervous and or otherwise. I am working on creating balance in my life, but it's not going to be easy to schedule my life especially when I have always been such a free spirit, but it has to be done or else I don't think I will be able to make it 'till Christmas i'm getting sever chest pains and palpitations and anxiety attacks about a lot of things. I think this is God's way of telling me to slow down and to get rid of the things that are causing me stress like people I don't really need in my life and to put myself first before others. I thank God for showing me what I need to do. God says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. But I need to love myself first before I can love my neighbor. God take the stress away please. Amen.

End of Week Two of School

So I managed to survive two weeks of school so far. Which is incredible. I had a very bad weekend. On Saturday I was extremely depressed. I even contemplated dropping out of school. Convincing myself that I wasn't ready. I was stressing out about a paper I had due Monday. I couldn't concentrate at all. But thank God for Nadia my angel. She is the one who got me through this. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't here to talk me through this. I get easily overwhelmed but she has taught me to take things one step at a time. My eating has been horrible I wouldn't be surprised if I gained another 10 lbs this week. The scale read 407. Which means i'm still down 21 lbs. Since I started at 428 the day I started Jenny back in March. Let's hope I can start new this school week. I plan on getting back on track on Monday. So here are the goals for this week...

• Take water to school
• Take stairs avoid temptation to take elevator
• Eat breakfast
• Sleep early
• Wake up early
• Spend time with God
• Do my homework
• Exercise
• Seek counseling for depression
• Take all meds and prescriptions
• Do something fun

End of First Week of School

So the end of the first week of school is over. I would have blogged on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday but I was just too tired. So to recap the first week went fine. I actually managed to survive it. I have been on top of my homework and studying. I haven't been slacking off. Having that extra day which is friday to just relax has helped me not to go crazy with all the work I have to do with my classes. So right now i'm taking English Composition, Social Science, and Honors Humanities. I think this is a good load of classes to handle. Next semester I plan on taking the 4 classes.

I decided to back to Jenny Craig, I was getting lazy and I felt like I was gaining a ton of weight. I felt fat. So I called the centre and my consultant wasn't in until friday. I decided since it was thursday and I just came home from school I would just go in anyway. I am so glad that I did because I got the best surprise ever. My first consultant Evy came back and she was down 150 lbs. I met Evy about 2 years ago when I started going to Jenny for the first time ever. She was around 300 lbs and now she is down to 150. She looks great. So she is going to help me lose this weight. I think all the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. I was afraid of the damage I had done and I knew that my weigh-in was going to suck. But to my surprise I was actually only 402 which means i'm 3 lbs away from getting out of the fourest. This time I am not going back. So this week i'm working on getting into the 300's. So here are my goals for this week:

MY MOTIVATION

• Lose 20 lbs by my birthday

THIS WEEKS PLAN

• Eat Jenny Food ONLY!!!!
• Stick to eating 2300 calories each day

ACTIVITY PLAN

• Go to the gym everyday workout for 30 minutes minimum
• Take the stairs at school resist the temptation to use the elevator

REWARD

• My reward will either be a pedicure or buying a new top

First Day of School

So I managed to survive my first day of school. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty nice. Once I get over the fact that i'm fat life sort of becomes more simple. I had of lot of obstacles and challenges to overcome. Number one the walking. The distance from the parking lot to the actual school is approximately I don't know. 2 blocks I think? Again i'm guestimating these things. I'm actually going to put on my pedometer so I can keep track of how many steps it is from the parking lot to the school. And of course by the time I got there the parking lot was full so I had to park all the way almost to the back of the lot. Then once I finally get to the school the challenge begins. There are two sets of stairs I have to climb up to actually get into the school. There is the elevator but I would hate myself if I took it. It's so funny how God prepared me in China for this. At the great wall I had two options to take the lift or to climb up those 1,000 steps I think all of that was in preparation for this moment. So this time I decided even if I had to do it slow I wouldn't run up the steps and be gasping for air once I reached the top that would have been completely embarassing even though I have done it in the past. The next challenge was sitting in the desks surprisingly I fit in them. I was like wow small desks but I actually can sit in one. But not very comfortably since the desk area is so small and my tummy does hang over the top a little bit. There was a table and a chair and I remembered what Nadia had told me that she would grab the table and chair and sit there for school. I asked the professor if it would be ok if I sat there since the desk wasn't very comfortable and he said it was ok as long as there wasn't anyone with special needs who needed it more than I did. ie, a person in a wheelchair or someone larger than me. Yes the students looked at me but I think they understood the situation and I didn't feel embarrassed. I'm there to learn and so are they. Walking down the halls I got a vision of my future how one day I would actually be walking these halls at a smaller size. I plan to be there for 2 years to get my associates and transfer out to a 4 year college and hopefully by then I will be down a significant amount of weight. Then I had to climb more stairs all the way up to the 3rd floor I once again took my time. There's no need for me to hurry. I got to my class only to be told to drop out of the course because i'm already fluent is spanish. So then I had to go all the way downstairs to the basement the first floor I mean and drop the class and add another one. Because the new spanish course conflicts with my schedule there was nothing they can do about it and to tell that to the professor. He didn't even let me explain that although I do speak the language my reading and writing skills are poor or limited. So by the time I finished downstairs I missed the whole class. Sighs by this time i'm worried I have to rush home to take my dad to the doctor. On the way home I was starving. I had already planned before that I would stop by mcdonalds to order a chicken salad. I was only able to eat the jenny craig small pancakes and veggie sausage for breakfast since I was running late calling the clinic to make an appointment for my dad and also I was chatting with Marty from Youtube but it was worth it. The night before school sucked I only managed to sleep 2 hours and I think it's because of the coffee I drank at the church meeting it kept me awake all nite. Damn caffeine. So on the way home from school I decided that I was too stressed out and I wanted some comfort food. I wanted cheesesticks and cheesefries from white castle instead of the chicken salad at mcdonalds but I started feeling guilty and I'm like what do I do. I just think I had a craving for marinara sauce. I could guzzle it by the gallons. So I actually went to subway and ate a whole footlong meatball sub. I was starving. I came home and scarfed it all down. I didnt' even have time to enjoy it. I had to eat it fast it was time to take my dad to the clinic. So I took him to the doctor and afterwards we went to Popeyes because he wanted chicken. I was proud of my self for the choices I made there. I just bought a small mashed potatoe and at one drumstick. I came home and ate that and a jenny craig burrito. So as far as eating I did bad but I could have done more damage at Popeyes I wanted to order shrimp and a chicken sandwhich which is what I usually get. I knew this day would be stressful for me and that professor didn't make it any easier. So tonite I plan to get plenty of rest so I can be good for tommorow. I also sucked with my water intake. I didn't take any water to school so I didn't drink any. Those are the things I am going to be working on tommorow and throughout this first week of school. My consultant from Jenny Craig called Danielle and she was wondering why I haven't been in there. So I had to explain that right now financially it's not possible and that also school and my dad being sick and I was sick too. So there are all these things going on in my life right now. I know I have been gaining so much weight. I'm afraid to step on the scale. Daniel is afraid after all my hard work i'm going to just mess it all up and she's right that's what i'm afraid too. So this week I plan on going back on friday and i'm just going to pay with the debit card for my food. I need to get back on track. So that's it. First day of school full of challenges physical, emotional, mental, and how did I deal with it all? By stressing out and running to food. NOT GOOD! I did spend some time with God last night and this morning on my way over to school. I think that's what helped to keep me focus and not let it all fall apart for me. God was like keep it together don't worry i'm here. And he was he's with me here and in China. Whereever I go. Thank you God for carrying me today up the stairs and giving me the strenght to not break down. I love you.

Super Sunday

Well I had a great sunday today. I went to church. Came home had some Jenny Craig food and went back to church again at night for a meeting. I was really encouraged with this meeting. I will be serving part-time while I go to school full-time. I don't know what else to blog about except today is the last day of no school. I was so used to being a bum and laying around the house all day for 3 years that I hope that I don't slack off in my classes. Well I guess that's it. It's getting pretty late and I should get to bed. I need to be up by 5am. Argh!

Mind, Body, Soul

I woke up today at 5pm. I usually sleep in on saturdays. I went to bed late last night around 6am. So that's 10 hours I was sleeping for. I just have so much anxiety about school and other things. Right now i'm just thinking too much about the situation with my online friends. I thought that by commiting virtual suicide all of these problems would go away. But I miss those people who care about me and who liked me and wanted to see me succeed. Those are the people that kept me going strong. I let other people get to me and now because of that those good people are suffering the consequences of my actions. I used the excuse that I needed to focus on school right now and that Youtube and Stickam was a lot of distraction which it was, but it was also an outlet. I know a lot of people miss me but I also know that a lot of people are glad to see me gone. They saw me as dramatic and they just didn't want to deal with me when I had my spells, as I like to call them. My mistake was trusting that people would know and understand that I have a mood disorder and that I can't be happy 24/7. I tried fooling people into thinking that I was happy. Always making them laugh I was the class clown. That's all I ever wanted to do was make people happy. But that room exposed me and the mask came off that I am not happy that I'm sad. Some people understood and others didnt' or just didnt' care. Some people don't like getting their hands dirty. Some people used the room as a social club. Yet the purpose of the room was to be supportive and the emotional part of losing weight is probably the hardest thing to deal with more so than eating right and exercising. You can learn that but how can you learn to be happy. My outward appearance just shows that i'm unhappy. Fat people are not happy people we use the food to drown our pain like a drug. Now that I don't have the food to run to is when all of these emotions are surfacing. Before I was fat and happy because the buzz of the food and the not caring how fat I got or how I looked part helped me. I focused on other things on other people. But now that I have to fix myself I dont' know where to start. My mind, body, or my heart. What do I deal with first. I say all of the emotional part needs to be fixed before I have a good mindset to lose the weight. Losing it like this will only make me gain it back the next time that I get depressed and I want to eat my way out of a depression. I have a small support system and I can work with that. Nadia my therapist dealing with the mind as well as matters of the heart. Cristina my workout partner who is my personal trainer makes sure that I am taking care of the exercise part and Jenny Craig my dietitian who makes sure I eat right. The only part left is my soul. Jesus got that one.

Sad Saturday

Woke up at 5pm today. That's usually what I do on saturdays I sleep in. I went to bed pretty late last night like around 6am. I have all of this anxiety about school as well as all the personal problems I'm having with my online friends. Commiting virtual suicide seemed the best solution a few days ago, but now I realize that there are some great people that I miss. I know that I am missed. But I know that others are glad that i'm gone. It's hard for people to deal with me especially when i'm so unstable. I'm happy one minute and the next i'm emo as can be. The comments that people made to me were extremely hurtful such as attention whore and drama queen. I don't think I am. Because I do have my good days when i'm happy. But lately it just seems I have more bad days than good ones. I have learned that I can't be around certain people when i'm upset or sad or angry. Those people just don't know how to help me. But those are the people I ran to for confort the people who I thought were my friends and who would undertstand that I needed someone to talk to. Someone to vent with. I don't know why I am the way I am. I can't just snap out of it. I am learning that people don't want to be around me when i'm like this and that perhaps the best way to deal with the situation is to just be by myself. That way no one gets hurt. I don't hurt people and people don't hurt me. Hurting people is an inevitable part of life it just happens. I don't do it on purpose, but I know there is a saying that you always hurt the ones you love... and that saying is so true.

Back to school on Monday

Today is the last friday before school starts... I'm nervous and anxious... It was hard to sleep last night thinking that after the weekend is over, on monday I have to sit in a classroom again after so many years. As far as my weight-loss is concerned I plan to restrict my calorie intake this weekend so that I can be lighter on Monday when I start school... I need to make sure that I drink a lot of water and take all of my meds... I am starting to feel a little run down and I think it's my thyroid I haven't taken my levothyroxine for a week now... That must explain the unstableness of my moods among other things... As far as exercise goes I plan to just clean the house and count that as my exercise... I better get going I still have a lot that I need to get done like going to get my school ID and buying my school supplies... Hopefully I will remember to blog tommorow if i'm not too busy or too lazy or I forget to do it... I started this blog because since i'm not video blogging on Youtube I felt I needed some type of accountability even if no one reads this I know that it's keeping me accountable to myself...