Happy Birthday to Me!

So another year of life is upon me. Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd year of life on this planet we call earth. I know I should be thankful for life, but with my depression being the way it is, dying seems better than living. I weighed myself and I was 470 pounds. I am only 30lbs away from 500lbs. I am miserable and angry. I can't control my weight anymore. Ever since I had my leg infection, things haven't been the same anymore. So, now as far as me having Cushing's well that I really don't know for sure or not. I took one test and the doctor ruled it out as me not having it, but I need other tests done to rule it out for sure. I am serious when I say that I only want 8 more years on this planet. I told Allen that I want to die at 40. I am tired of life. I feel that I have accomplished my mission here on earth and it is time to go. I want to live in heaven with God. Where no pain or suffering exists. I happened to stumble across some videos on Youtube on obesity. There's a woman named Sharon who is a food addict. I think I am too. I think I use it as a drug. I am half-way done watching her story and I see my reflection in her. She is like a mirror to me. First she has a pink room just like I do, then she kinda resembles me. In the story she celebrates her 40th birthday with family and friends and they give her cute pink things. I think to myself, will that be me. Will I need someone to bathe me and dress me, and feed me? I am feeling like my health is going down the crapper and my legs are really starting to disable me. It's hard to climb stairs and walk. Will I be Sharon in 8 years? I don't know. I am asking myself, did God want me to watch this video? Was it Him guiding me to her story? I am watching her story unfold as I am typing. So she had her weight loss surgery and then they cut to her in a pool outside swimming and smiling and happy with so much weight off of her. Her smile is heartwarming. Well that was the last time she was outside. She ended up losing movement in her limbs, her arms and legs. They didn't know why, then she left her pink prison only to end up in a nursing home for 6 months, before she died. They said she was so focused on losing weight that she starved herself to death. All she did all day was sleep, so she wouldn't be hungry. So at 41 a year after her surgery she died. The doctor explains that the lack of nutrients is what led to her loss of mobility in her legs. Vitamins and nutrients are not absorbed in the body like before surgery. So, now here I am at the end of her story and her journey. I am sorry Sharon that you had to go through this, that you were so sad and alone that you used food as a friend. God, I am Sharon. I don't want to go through what she has gone through, I want to live at least a few years left on earth as a not so obese person. I am finding that the direction I need to take is the direction of God. Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me through life and guiding me to Sharon. I pray her children and her mom find salvation. Jesus bring them peace and joy. Amen.

Rest In Peace Sharon :)