Thanksgiving Sucks!

It's not that I hate this holiday, its that I hate the weight-gain. Just when I was down to around 434 for my bday 3 weeks ago. I have gained 7 lbs, bringing me back up to 441... only 9 lbs away from 450 a number that I do not want to hit. I am sick of eating. I made a turkey this year and ate about 4 helpings and leftovers the next day. I'm such a freaking pig. I didn't eat because I was hungry. I ate because I was using food as a way of coping with all of my emotions like I always do. There was too many things going on in my life at this moment and food seems like the only thing that soothes me. I really hate myself so much right now. I wish I could turn back and throw up all that turkey, I guess I went on a binge. If I start to eat and throw up I am afraid I will get into a bad habit of doing that. I can't handle so much going on right now. I think i'm going to go mad or insane. If I share with people whats going on they automatically assume its my mate and its not. It's everyone else. I am going to try really hard next year to get myself together because if I don't I will be at a worse place than I am now. God please help me.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!!

Well i'm no longer in my twenties anymore. Now I am 30. Wow! How time flies. I think I wasn't prepared for this. I feel like my 20's were a dream. I went from 19 to 30 over night. I actually had to let my dream of becoming a mother die this year. I always said if I didn't have children by the age of 30 I never would. So, what now? I am going to try to live out my 30's with good health. I don't know if this will be possible. I have so many illnesses already. I can only hope that things get better. I am optimistic about my future, but sometimes I can lose hope quickly. I pray that my remaining time on this earth is productive for God. I feel like most of the time I am just wasting space here on this planet. God thank you for never leaving me even though I never make time for you like I should. Please Heavenly Father forgive me. I need to change my way of living. But, I feel old and worn out. Sighs... sorry that this blog was so depressing. I will try to update soon. Peace out people.

Dys-auto... What?

It's called Dysautonomia. What's that? Most people don't know what Dysautonomia is. It's a condition in which to put it in laymen's terms a lot of things go wrong with your body, basically the autonomic nerves in your body go haywire. I was recently aware and diagnosed myself with this disorder. I was hoping that it was something else, but all of my symptoms point to this disease, so now on top of having so many other illnesses add another one to the list. My dysautonomia came from I think when I had radiation but I could have been born with it too. It's called the invisible illness because on the outside people can appear normal, but on the inside is where all the action is happening. I am just glad that I have found the answers to the questions that I was looking for since I felt like crap all the time. The doctors tried to blame it all on my diabetes or my thyroid or the fact that I was fat, but come to find out this is what was wrong with me all along. Now I know that there is no cure for this and only the symptoms can be treated, but I am going to try to live as much of a normal life as possible. I have that support of Allen which is very important. No matter what happens I wont ever give up!

The Main Components Are...

Today I discovered that there really is a science to losing weight. They key to losing weight has 2 very simple components... Diet and Exercise. But the most important thing to remember is to stay focused on getting to that goal. Make daily goals for example an exercise goal might be do 20 minutes of dancing or walking and a diet goal might be to have 3 meals a day and 2 snacks and drink lots of water throughout the day. The only reason I know that this works is for the reason that I have been for the past week walking and eating less frequently and I have been able to lose 7 lbs in 5 days. I just changed up my routine. So, while Allen plays DJ all day. I will eventually lose more weight than him because I am moving around more than he is. I will continue to keep walking everyday to the hospital and hopefully my legs wont cramp up so much at night. I am also thinking about starting to wear some comfortable walking shoes instead of flip-flops so my feet wont hurt so much. I will continue to wear flip-flops but only around the house. I am excited for the next few months I have approximately 4 more months before my 30th bday and I have made my goal to be in the 300's well actually 399 by then and say goodbye to the 400's FOREVER and I do mean FOREVER. So I will spend some of my 30's in the 300's and some in the 200's but hopefully by 40 in the 100's yes my goal is at least by 40 to be in onederland. Nobody said this journey was going to be easy or fast. It took me years go gain this weight and its taking me years to lose it too.

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New Year 2012

Well it's that time again. To start this roller-coaster I call weight-loss. Last year sucked! and the year before that too! So, it's the end of January and so far I can say that I am in a good mood about losing weight this year. Unfortunately, it did not go off to a good start since my mini-vaca to Mexico cost me to gain 20lbs and that was only a week imagine if I had stayed longer. The only thing that has helped me to lose weight this year is a horrible bug that has been stuck in my stomach for over a week now. I am down 15lbs from it, which is good, but not healthy. I want to lose weight in a healthy way not because i'm sick. So, this is the plan for this year. Chris Powell, yes, Chris Powell the guy who helped someone lose 400lbs. I was at the grocery store and picked up a magazine with an article on Chris Powell's carb cycling diet and how its proven to lose up to 400lbs. I immediately went online and bought the book. Which by the weigh I am still waiting for. I am hoping that he will help me and Allen lose the weight that we need to lose. I am extremely happy and excited and motivated and I can't wait to start. Allen wanted to do weight-watchers, but I have more faith in Chris because I have seen what he can do. At the end of my journey I want to be able to help other people lose weight. I have plans on opening a gym exclusive to overweight people who are too embarassed to go to the gym with skinny people. I also want to write a book one day of how I came to lose weight and I will title it... From the Fourest... to the Onederland... My journey from 400lbs to  199lbs... I can't wait to see the changes and the transformation my body will take this year. I know I will have to be buying clothes by the end of the year because all of my pants will be too loose. But then again I can always go downstairs and get the jeans that I can't wear because i'm too fat. My goal number is to be able to fit into a 22W comfortably by my birthday this year Oct 2012. I will be turning 30 years old and I plan to have a great party in Mexico with my family. I am hoping that me and Allen can drive or take the bus over there, depending on how big or small Allen is by the time it's time to go down there. I have a lot of hope for this year. I will do something this year and not waste another year of life.