Happy Birthday to Me!

So another year of life is upon me. Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd year of life on this planet we call earth. I know I should be thankful for life, but with my depression being the way it is, dying seems better than living. I weighed myself and I was 470 pounds. I am only 30lbs away from 500lbs. I am miserable and angry. I can't control my weight anymore. Ever since I had my leg infection, things haven't been the same anymore. So, now as far as me having Cushing's well that I really don't know for sure or not. I took one test and the doctor ruled it out as me not having it, but I need other tests done to rule it out for sure. I am serious when I say that I only want 8 more years on this planet. I told Allen that I want to die at 40. I am tired of life. I feel that I have accomplished my mission here on earth and it is time to go. I want to live in heaven with God. Where no pain or suffering exists. I happened to stumble across some videos on Youtube on obesity. There's a woman named Sharon who is a food addict. I think I am too. I think I use it as a drug. I am half-way done watching her story and I see my reflection in her. She is like a mirror to me. First she has a pink room just like I do, then she kinda resembles me. In the story she celebrates her 40th birthday with family and friends and they give her cute pink things. I think to myself, will that be me. Will I need someone to bathe me and dress me, and feed me? I am feeling like my health is going down the crapper and my legs are really starting to disable me. It's hard to climb stairs and walk. Will I be Sharon in 8 years? I don't know. I am asking myself, did God want me to watch this video? Was it Him guiding me to her story? I am watching her story unfold as I am typing. So she had her weight loss surgery and then they cut to her in a pool outside swimming and smiling and happy with so much weight off of her. Her smile is heartwarming. Well that was the last time she was outside. She ended up losing movement in her limbs, her arms and legs. They didn't know why, then she left her pink prison only to end up in a nursing home for 6 months, before she died. They said she was so focused on losing weight that she starved herself to death. All she did all day was sleep, so she wouldn't be hungry. So at 41 a year after her surgery she died. The doctor explains that the lack of nutrients is what led to her loss of mobility in her legs. Vitamins and nutrients are not absorbed in the body like before surgery. So, now here I am at the end of her story and her journey. I am sorry Sharon that you had to go through this, that you were so sad and alone that you used food as a friend. God, I am Sharon. I don't want to go through what she has gone through, I want to live at least a few years left on earth as a not so obese person. I am finding that the direction I need to take is the direction of God. Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me through life and guiding me to Sharon. I pray her children and her mom find salvation. Jesus bring them peace and joy. Amen.

Rest In Peace Sharon :)

Another Possible Illness?!

So, it's been 4 months since I last posted a blog. I actually have been going through a lot of things in my body. After taking care of my husband Allen, sometime later I became ill with the same thing he had which was a bacterial infection called cellulitis. I was feeling feverish for almost a week. Then finally when I saw how red my legs got, I just ran to the ER. I was there for a few days, I was pumped with antibiotics then sent home with more antibiotics. In the midst of recovery I find out I had an infected tooth. So, again another round of antibiotics for that, then I had to see the oral surgeon twice since the first time he broke the tooth and after that, you guessed it, more antibiotics. My body is probably wreaking havoc with so many meds. So, when I went back to see the endocrinologist. She starts asking me about something called Cushing's. Well I have never heard of this. How did my leg infection, become about another disease. So, now I may possibly have another illness on top of the other ones, I have. I have been doing research on Cushing's and it doesn't look pretty. I am so depressed and on the verge of giving up on life. I can't take so much. God help me to not worry so much. I trust you Lord. Amen.

It's been a while...

I am so sorry that it's been awhile since I blogged. Almost 9 months actually. I have been going through a lot in my marriage and in my personal life. It's hard to make time to post these blogs. I even took time off YouTube, because of what's been happening. We have been renovating upstairs and also dealing with my dad and his newfound illness and just recently Allen's hospital scare. I haven't had time to do anything. I even cancelled all of my surgery appointments at Loyola. Right now the only thing that I have been treating is my bipolar disorder with medication and therapy and also my diabetes. I have to pick up my new insulin tomorrow which is really sad and scary at the same time. I have to take U-500 where before I was taking U-100. The difference is that this new insulin is 5 times stronger than the original insulin. I just hope that I don't make any mistakes. I am even thinking that I should pre-fill the syringes so that there is no possible room for error. I really want to reverse my diabetes, but am I still young enough to do it, or will I have to deal with needles for the rest of my life? I am hoping to keep working on myself, in the midst of all the confusion and all the chaos. I know change is possible, but the question is will it be with or without surgery?