Mind, Body, Soul

I woke up today at 5pm. I usually sleep in on saturdays. I went to bed late last night around 6am. So that's 10 hours I was sleeping for. I just have so much anxiety about school and other things. Right now i'm just thinking too much about the situation with my online friends. I thought that by commiting virtual suicide all of these problems would go away. But I miss those people who care about me and who liked me and wanted to see me succeed. Those are the people that kept me going strong. I let other people get to me and now because of that those good people are suffering the consequences of my actions. I used the excuse that I needed to focus on school right now and that Youtube and Stickam was a lot of distraction which it was, but it was also an outlet. I know a lot of people miss me but I also know that a lot of people are glad to see me gone. They saw me as dramatic and they just didn't want to deal with me when I had my spells, as I like to call them. My mistake was trusting that people would know and understand that I have a mood disorder and that I can't be happy 24/7. I tried fooling people into thinking that I was happy. Always making them laugh I was the class clown. That's all I ever wanted to do was make people happy. But that room exposed me and the mask came off that I am not happy that I'm sad. Some people understood and others didnt' or just didnt' care. Some people don't like getting their hands dirty. Some people used the room as a social club. Yet the purpose of the room was to be supportive and the emotional part of losing weight is probably the hardest thing to deal with more so than eating right and exercising. You can learn that but how can you learn to be happy. My outward appearance just shows that i'm unhappy. Fat people are not happy people we use the food to drown our pain like a drug. Now that I don't have the food to run to is when all of these emotions are surfacing. Before I was fat and happy because the buzz of the food and the not caring how fat I got or how I looked part helped me. I focused on other things on other people. But now that I have to fix myself I dont' know where to start. My mind, body, or my heart. What do I deal with first. I say all of the emotional part needs to be fixed before I have a good mindset to lose the weight. Losing it like this will only make me gain it back the next time that I get depressed and I want to eat my way out of a depression. I have a small support system and I can work with that. Nadia my therapist dealing with the mind as well as matters of the heart. Cristina my workout partner who is my personal trainer makes sure that I am taking care of the exercise part and Jenny Craig my dietitian who makes sure I eat right. The only part left is my soul. Jesus got that one.