Lowest of the Low

It's August 30 2010. It's 2 am. And I have hit the lowest point in my life. I have turned to food again to soothe my anxiety and my pain. I am two months away from my birthday and here I am again, back to where I started two years ago on my weight-loss journey. I would have thought that by now I would have been at least 300 lbs but no I'm back to where I started. I am way past 400lbs closer to 450lbs I think. Well here I go again. On this giant roller-coaster of ups and downs. I am actually worried that if I don't do something my weight is going to keep going up and up. So I have to do something about it. But what? I tried everything to lose weight. Every diet. Every pill. EVERTHING. I even tried starving myself. And now the worse part is that my diabetes is getting worse. I am now using insulin to lower my blood sugar. Sighs. I wish I could go back and fix it. But now here I am. Lying in the bed that I made for myself. I felt strong a few days ago and now i'm back to feeling so weak. I told myself that I would never quit and that I would keep pushing myself, but the burdens and worries are taking their toll on me and my stress levels are through the roof. I know I need God in my life. I know I can't do it on my own. I give up God. Help me! Today I binged to the max. I turned to food and not to God. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can't run away anymore. I have to face these demons of loneliness and depression. I wont give up. I can't give up. Everyone is looking at me. I wont lose. I promise. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me. Amen!

Sad Saturday

Woke up at 5pm today. That's usually what I do on saturdays I sleep in. I went to bed pretty late last night like around 6am. I have all of this anxiety about school as well as all the personal problems I'm having with my online friends. Commiting virtual suicide seemed the best solution a few days ago, but now I realize that there are some great people that I miss. I know that I am missed. But I know that others are glad that i'm gone. It's hard for people to deal with me especially when i'm so unstable. I'm happy one minute and the next i'm emo as can be. The comments that people made to me were extremely hurtful such as attention whore and drama queen. I don't think I am. Because I do have my good days when i'm happy. But lately it just seems I have more bad days than good ones. I have learned that I can't be around certain people when i'm upset or sad or angry. Those people just don't know how to help me. But those are the people I ran to for confort the people who I thought were my friends and who would undertstand that I needed someone to talk to. Someone to vent with. I don't know why I am the way I am. I can't just snap out of it. I am learning that people don't want to be around me when i'm like this and that perhaps the best way to deal with the situation is to just be by myself. That way no one gets hurt. I don't hurt people and people don't hurt me. Hurting people is an inevitable part of life it just happens. I don't do it on purpose, but I know there is a saying that you always hurt the ones you love... and that saying is so true.