No weigh!!!! Ugh...!!!

So, I jumped on the scale today at the doctors office. 443 it read. I was so upset. I was 435 just a few weeks ago. What happened? I will definately not reach my goal of 425 lbs by my birthday. My birthday is in less than two weeks. I will be lucky if i'm 440 on that day. Sighs... i'm so frustrated with everything and on top of that my diabetes is out of control. I don't know what to do anymore. I am borderline depressed. I am on the edge and any little push will do. Allen's family and my brother don't help the situation and neither does the situation with my roomates. I feel like running away from everything and going to Mexico, but that wont solve anything. I feel like maybe the solution is to run away and join a convent or something. I wish I could go away to a resort on the beach for a week or even a month just to calm my nerves, but I will still come back to this. All I know is that I need help. I can't do everything by MYSELF. I can't cook and clean and do laundry and groceries, by MYSELF. I feel alone and abandoned. What can I do, but cry and wallow in my self-pity because nobody cares. NOBODY. Only God cares! He is the only one who keeps me going in times of frustration and heart-ache. I am not Alone. God is with me.

Almost 29!!!!

Well its been awhile, Again! I have been moving way too much. I hope this is the last move for a long time. I love this apartment. It's all hardwood floors and has lots of character. I can't wait until I finish unpacking and setting everything up. I went to the doctor the other day and I now weigh 435lbs which is 3 lbs less than I did back in June but that is not very good progress. I am going to be turning 29 in about a month. I am going to miss my twenties. I am hoping that I start strong in my thirties, but it doesn't look too hopeful. I have a year to figure it all out. I wonder if I can reverse my diabetes in a year? I will have to work really hard in order to lose this weight. I have a goal. Now all I need is a plan. When I lost those 30 lbs a few years ago, I had a plan it was Jenny Craig, but Jenny is not an option for my budget, plus its something that I feel I will let Allen out on if I do this. I need a plan that both me and Allen can do. I think what I am going to do is a modified version of Jenny Craig for both me and Allen. We can do the 3 frozen meals a day plus snacks and salads. I will have to figure it out. Tommorow I am going to order a scale that will weigh me and Allen. This way we can track our progress. My goal is to get down to 425lbs by my birthday. That is 10 lbs. I also need to start tracking my glucose levels everyday like the doctor wants me to.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I can't beleive it's been almost a year since I blogged. I don't know how I stop doing something I love so much, which is writing. I guess I haven't had time for it. The truth is I haven't had time for myself. I am finally at a point in my life where I can say I need to take care of myself. I went for a check-up the other day and my health is a disaster. I am 438lbs and have even more medical issues now than when I started blogging. I am taking way too many medications and now I have way too many illnesses. I sit at home all day depressed thinking is my life going to get better or will I just keep getting worse. I start losing hope. I even contemplate suicide. It's a horrible thing to say, but I do think about ending my life. I feel alone and abandoned by everyone. I don't like thinking suicidal thoughts, but those thoughts do come to my mind from time to time. Especially when I am under a lot of stress. I know that sitting at home all day shouldn't be stressful, but it is when you can't work and you got bills to pay. I feel so useless. At this point I will probably have to undergo another surgery and this one will be for the uncontrollable bleeding I am having. It's been over a month and I still have a period. Doctor's don't really explain why this is going on. I went from never having one to one that doesn't stop. I feel my marriage is falling apart with all of my sadness and worries. That last thing I want to do is push Allen away. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. I really do hope tommorow is a better day for me than today.