The Main Components Are...

Today I discovered that there really is a science to losing weight. They key to losing weight has 2 very simple components... Diet and Exercise. But the most important thing to remember is to stay focused on getting to that goal. Make daily goals for example an exercise goal might be do 20 minutes of dancing or walking and a diet goal might be to have 3 meals a day and 2 snacks and drink lots of water throughout the day. The only reason I know that this works is for the reason that I have been for the past week walking and eating less frequently and I have been able to lose 7 lbs in 5 days. I just changed up my routine. So, while Allen plays DJ all day. I will eventually lose more weight than him because I am moving around more than he is. I will continue to keep walking everyday to the hospital and hopefully my legs wont cramp up so much at night. I am also thinking about starting to wear some comfortable walking shoes instead of flip-flops so my feet wont hurt so much. I will continue to wear flip-flops but only around the house. I am excited for the next few months I have approximately 4 more months before my 30th bday and I have made my goal to be in the 300's well actually 399 by then and say goodbye to the 400's FOREVER and I do mean FOREVER. So I will spend some of my 30's in the 300's and some in the 200's but hopefully by 40 in the 100's yes my goal is at least by 40 to be in onederland. Nobody said this journey was going to be easy or fast. It took me years go gain this weight and its taking me years to lose it too.

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New Year 2012

Well it's that time again. To start this roller-coaster I call weight-loss. Last year sucked! and the year before that too! So, it's the end of January and so far I can say that I am in a good mood about losing weight this year. Unfortunately, it did not go off to a good start since my mini-vaca to Mexico cost me to gain 20lbs and that was only a week imagine if I had stayed longer. The only thing that has helped me to lose weight this year is a horrible bug that has been stuck in my stomach for over a week now. I am down 15lbs from it, which is good, but not healthy. I want to lose weight in a healthy way not because i'm sick. So, this is the plan for this year. Chris Powell, yes, Chris Powell the guy who helped someone lose 400lbs. I was at the grocery store and picked up a magazine with an article on Chris Powell's carb cycling diet and how its proven to lose up to 400lbs. I immediately went online and bought the book. Which by the weigh I am still waiting for. I am hoping that he will help me and Allen lose the weight that we need to lose. I am extremely happy and excited and motivated and I can't wait to start. Allen wanted to do weight-watchers, but I have more faith in Chris because I have seen what he can do. At the end of my journey I want to be able to help other people lose weight. I have plans on opening a gym exclusive to overweight people who are too embarassed to go to the gym with skinny people. I also want to write a book one day of how I came to lose weight and I will title it... From the Fourest... to the Onederland... My journey from 400lbs to  199lbs... I can't wait to see the changes and the transformation my body will take this year. I know I will have to be buying clothes by the end of the year because all of my pants will be too loose. But then again I can always go downstairs and get the jeans that I can't wear because i'm too fat. My goal number is to be able to fit into a 22W comfortably by my birthday this year Oct 2012. I will be turning 30 years old and I plan to have a great party in Mexico with my family. I am hoping that me and Allen can drive or take the bus over there, depending on how big or small Allen is by the time it's time to go down there. I have a lot of hope for this year. I will do something this year and not waste another year of life.

No weigh!!!! Ugh...!!!

So, I jumped on the scale today at the doctors office. 443 it read. I was so upset. I was 435 just a few weeks ago. What happened? I will definately not reach my goal of 425 lbs by my birthday. My birthday is in less than two weeks. I will be lucky if i'm 440 on that day. Sighs... i'm so frustrated with everything and on top of that my diabetes is out of control. I don't know what to do anymore. I am borderline depressed. I am on the edge and any little push will do. Allen's family and my brother don't help the situation and neither does the situation with my roomates. I feel like running away from everything and going to Mexico, but that wont solve anything. I feel like maybe the solution is to run away and join a convent or something. I wish I could go away to a resort on the beach for a week or even a month just to calm my nerves, but I will still come back to this. All I know is that I need help. I can't do everything by MYSELF. I can't cook and clean and do laundry and groceries, by MYSELF. I feel alone and abandoned. What can I do, but cry and wallow in my self-pity because nobody cares. NOBODY. Only God cares! He is the only one who keeps me going in times of frustration and heart-ache. I am not Alone. God is with me.

Almost 29!!!!

Well its been awhile, Again! I have been moving way too much. I hope this is the last move for a long time. I love this apartment. It's all hardwood floors and has lots of character. I can't wait until I finish unpacking and setting everything up. I went to the doctor the other day and I now weigh 435lbs which is 3 lbs less than I did back in June but that is not very good progress. I am going to be turning 29 in about a month. I am going to miss my twenties. I am hoping that I start strong in my thirties, but it doesn't look too hopeful. I have a year to figure it all out. I wonder if I can reverse my diabetes in a year? I will have to work really hard in order to lose this weight. I have a goal. Now all I need is a plan. When I lost those 30 lbs a few years ago, I had a plan it was Jenny Craig, but Jenny is not an option for my budget, plus its something that I feel I will let Allen out on if I do this. I need a plan that both me and Allen can do. I think what I am going to do is a modified version of Jenny Craig for both me and Allen. We can do the 3 frozen meals a day plus snacks and salads. I will have to figure it out. Tommorow I am going to order a scale that will weigh me and Allen. This way we can track our progress. My goal is to get down to 425lbs by my birthday. That is 10 lbs. I also need to start tracking my glucose levels everyday like the doctor wants me to.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I can't beleive it's been almost a year since I blogged. I don't know how I stop doing something I love so much, which is writing. I guess I haven't had time for it. The truth is I haven't had time for myself. I am finally at a point in my life where I can say I need to take care of myself. I went for a check-up the other day and my health is a disaster. I am 438lbs and have even more medical issues now than when I started blogging. I am taking way too many medications and now I have way too many illnesses. I sit at home all day depressed thinking is my life going to get better or will I just keep getting worse. I start losing hope. I even contemplate suicide. It's a horrible thing to say, but I do think about ending my life. I feel alone and abandoned by everyone. I don't like thinking suicidal thoughts, but those thoughts do come to my mind from time to time. Especially when I am under a lot of stress. I know that sitting at home all day shouldn't be stressful, but it is when you can't work and you got bills to pay. I feel so useless. At this point I will probably have to undergo another surgery and this one will be for the uncontrollable bleeding I am having. It's been over a month and I still have a period. Doctor's don't really explain why this is going on. I went from never having one to one that doesn't stop. I feel my marriage is falling apart with all of my sadness and worries. That last thing I want to do is push Allen away. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. I really do hope tommorow is a better day for me than today.

Lowest of the Low

It's August 30 2010. It's 2 am. And I have hit the lowest point in my life. I have turned to food again to soothe my anxiety and my pain. I am two months away from my birthday and here I am again, back to where I started two years ago on my weight-loss journey. I would have thought that by now I would have been at least 300 lbs but no I'm back to where I started. I am way past 400lbs closer to 450lbs I think. Well here I go again. On this giant roller-coaster of ups and downs. I am actually worried that if I don't do something my weight is going to keep going up and up. So I have to do something about it. But what? I tried everything to lose weight. Every diet. Every pill. EVERTHING. I even tried starving myself. And now the worse part is that my diabetes is getting worse. I am now using insulin to lower my blood sugar. Sighs. I wish I could go back and fix it. But now here I am. Lying in the bed that I made for myself. I felt strong a few days ago and now i'm back to feeling so weak. I told myself that I would never quit and that I would keep pushing myself, but the burdens and worries are taking their toll on me and my stress levels are through the roof. I know I need God in my life. I know I can't do it on my own. I give up God. Help me! Today I binged to the max. I turned to food and not to God. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can't run away anymore. I have to face these demons of loneliness and depression. I wont give up. I can't give up. Everyone is looking at me. I wont lose. I promise. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me. Amen!