Lowest of the Low

It's August 30 2010. It's 2 am. And I have hit the lowest point in my life. I have turned to food again to soothe my anxiety and my pain. I am two months away from my birthday and here I am again, back to where I started two years ago on my weight-loss journey. I would have thought that by now I would have been at least 300 lbs but no I'm back to where I started. I am way past 400lbs closer to 450lbs I think. Well here I go again. On this giant roller-coaster of ups and downs. I am actually worried that if I don't do something my weight is going to keep going up and up. So I have to do something about it. But what? I tried everything to lose weight. Every diet. Every pill. EVERTHING. I even tried starving myself. And now the worse part is that my diabetes is getting worse. I am now using insulin to lower my blood sugar. Sighs. I wish I could go back and fix it. But now here I am. Lying in the bed that I made for myself. I felt strong a few days ago and now i'm back to feeling so weak. I told myself that I would never quit and that I would keep pushing myself, but the burdens and worries are taking their toll on me and my stress levels are through the roof. I know I need God in my life. I know I can't do it on my own. I give up God. Help me! Today I binged to the max. I turned to food and not to God. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can't run away anymore. I have to face these demons of loneliness and depression. I wont give up. I can't give up. Everyone is looking at me. I wont lose. I promise. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me. Amen!