Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I can't beleive it's been almost a year since I blogged. I don't know how I stop doing something I love so much, which is writing. I guess I haven't had time for it. The truth is I haven't had time for myself. I am finally at a point in my life where I can say I need to take care of myself. I went for a check-up the other day and my health is a disaster. I am 438lbs and have even more medical issues now than when I started blogging. I am taking way too many medications and now I have way too many illnesses. I sit at home all day depressed thinking is my life going to get better or will I just keep getting worse. I start losing hope. I even contemplate suicide. It's a horrible thing to say, but I do think about ending my life. I feel alone and abandoned by everyone. I don't like thinking suicidal thoughts, but those thoughts do come to my mind from time to time. Especially when I am under a lot of stress. I know that sitting at home all day shouldn't be stressful, but it is when you can't work and you got bills to pay. I feel so useless. At this point I will probably have to undergo another surgery and this one will be for the uncontrollable bleeding I am having. It's been over a month and I still have a period. Doctor's don't really explain why this is going on. I went from never having one to one that doesn't stop. I feel my marriage is falling apart with all of my sadness and worries. That last thing I want to do is push Allen away. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. I really do hope tommorow is a better day for me than today.