Happy Belated New Year 2015!!!!

I admit 2015 started off slow, I was complaining about how the wheels in motion were not starting and it was starting to really aggravate me. So, this year is THE YEAR!!! Finally, I decided to do something permanent about my weight. Last year I was not sure if I really wanted the surgery, because I was still able to handle my weight, but after getting sick and being in the hospital. Those extra 50 pounds has really took it's toll on me. I am almost at the 500 mark and I know if I let myself get any bigger, chances are that I wont make it. I have been craving for changes and not food. I want to start a new life. I want a new body. I want to be around 399 for my bday this year. I will be 33. It's an age that I thought I would never get to. Growing up with the family I did, every birthday was a doomsday. I was told how I would never make it to 20 then 25 then 30. Well now i'm past 30 and my dreams of ever being a mom have sunk in deep. I thought I really was in menopause since I missed my period for 15 months, but a month ago it started back up. It's light and I love it. I just can't get heavy bleeding since I'm hoping my surgery will be in a few months. I am preparing myself for this surgery mentally more than physically. Right now i'm enjoying the foods that I know I wont ever have in the future. I would have started on my scheduling sooner than the end of January, but with my dad needing radiation for his cancer, I thought I would be put on the back-burner once again, like I have been my whole life. But, I have a feeling that this is THE YEAR, this is MY YEAR!!! I'm excited and nervous and very anxious, but I know it will all be worth it. I have tried and failed every time, and I know this surgery will not fail me, and I will not fail it. So, I have scheduled my first Eval (Evaluation) Appointment and before that I will go to a seminar to get more informed about the surgery. I am also trying to get some type of therapy and maybe find a support group for before and after surgery. This journey will be a lonely one. A journey of heartache and grief, but sometimes this is what makes people who they are. This surgery is either going to make me or break me. So for now this is it. I will update as soon as I get more information from the doctors. I hope everyones journey is full of more sweet than bitter. This journey is hard, whether it is with or without surgery. Jesus give me the strength to endure. Amen.

Happy Birthday to Me!

So another year of life is upon me. Yesterday, I celebrated my 32nd year of life on this planet we call earth. I know I should be thankful for life, but with my depression being the way it is, dying seems better than living. I weighed myself and I was 470 pounds. I am only 30lbs away from 500lbs. I am miserable and angry. I can't control my weight anymore. Ever since I had my leg infection, things haven't been the same anymore. So, now as far as me having Cushing's well that I really don't know for sure or not. I took one test and the doctor ruled it out as me not having it, but I need other tests done to rule it out for sure. I am serious when I say that I only want 8 more years on this planet. I told Allen that I want to die at 40. I am tired of life. I feel that I have accomplished my mission here on earth and it is time to go. I want to live in heaven with God. Where no pain or suffering exists. I happened to stumble across some videos on Youtube on obesity. There's a woman named Sharon who is a food addict. I think I am too. I think I use it as a drug. I am half-way done watching her story and I see my reflection in her. She is like a mirror to me. First she has a pink room just like I do, then she kinda resembles me. In the story she celebrates her 40th birthday with family and friends and they give her cute pink things. I think to myself, will that be me. Will I need someone to bathe me and dress me, and feed me? I am feeling like my health is going down the crapper and my legs are really starting to disable me. It's hard to climb stairs and walk. Will I be Sharon in 8 years? I don't know. I am asking myself, did God want me to watch this video? Was it Him guiding me to her story? I am watching her story unfold as I am typing. So she had her weight loss surgery and then they cut to her in a pool outside swimming and smiling and happy with so much weight off of her. Her smile is heartwarming. Well that was the last time she was outside. She ended up losing movement in her limbs, her arms and legs. They didn't know why, then she left her pink prison only to end up in a nursing home for 6 months, before she died. They said she was so focused on losing weight that she starved herself to death. All she did all day was sleep, so she wouldn't be hungry. So at 41 a year after her surgery she died. The doctor explains that the lack of nutrients is what led to her loss of mobility in her legs. Vitamins and nutrients are not absorbed in the body like before surgery. So, now here I am at the end of her story and her journey. I am sorry Sharon that you had to go through this, that you were so sad and alone that you used food as a friend. God, I am Sharon. I don't want to go through what she has gone through, I want to live at least a few years left on earth as a not so obese person. I am finding that the direction I need to take is the direction of God. Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me through life and guiding me to Sharon. I pray her children and her mom find salvation. Jesus bring them peace and joy. Amen.

Rest In Peace Sharon :)

Another Possible Illness?!

So, it's been 4 months since I last posted a blog. I actually have been going through a lot of things in my body. After taking care of my husband Allen, sometime later I became ill with the same thing he had which was a bacterial infection called cellulitis. I was feeling feverish for almost a week. Then finally when I saw how red my legs got, I just ran to the ER. I was there for a few days, I was pumped with antibiotics then sent home with more antibiotics. In the midst of recovery I find out I had an infected tooth. So, again another round of antibiotics for that, then I had to see the oral surgeon twice since the first time he broke the tooth and after that, you guessed it, more antibiotics. My body is probably wreaking havoc with so many meds. So, when I went back to see the endocrinologist. She starts asking me about something called Cushing's. Well I have never heard of this. How did my leg infection, become about another disease. So, now I may possibly have another illness on top of the other ones, I have. I have been doing research on Cushing's and it doesn't look pretty. I am so depressed and on the verge of giving up on life. I can't take so much. God help me to not worry so much. I trust you Lord. Amen.

It's been a while...

I am so sorry that it's been awhile since I blogged. Almost 9 months actually. I have been going through a lot in my marriage and in my personal life. It's hard to make time to post these blogs. I even took time off YouTube, because of what's been happening. We have been renovating upstairs and also dealing with my dad and his newfound illness and just recently Allen's hospital scare. I haven't had time to do anything. I even cancelled all of my surgery appointments at Loyola. Right now the only thing that I have been treating is my bipolar disorder with medication and therapy and also my diabetes. I have to pick up my new insulin tomorrow which is really sad and scary at the same time. I have to take U-500 where before I was taking U-100. The difference is that this new insulin is 5 times stronger than the original insulin. I just hope that I don't make any mistakes. I am even thinking that I should pre-fill the syringes so that there is no possible room for error. I really want to reverse my diabetes, but am I still young enough to do it, or will I have to deal with needles for the rest of my life? I am hoping to keep working on myself, in the midst of all the confusion and all the chaos. I know change is possible, but the question is will it be with or without surgery?

My first consultation

So I went to my first consultation with the bariatric doctor for my upcoming weight-loss surgery. I am told that I am a good candidate for the surgery. She asked me a few questions about how long I have been over-weight and if I have ever tried to lose weight on my own. Well I told her, I have been fat most of my life. About 25 years and i'm only 30. And that I have been on a giant rollercoaster of diets. I am at the point where I feel that this weight will never come off unless I seek medical attention. My "weight problem" has become more than a problem. It has really messed my whole life up. I was asked what my goal weight was and I responded 200 lbs, well actually 199 just to say I am in the 100's. I told her I never plan to be a skinny girl. I just want to be half my size. She was pleasantly surprised at my answer and told me that it was a very reasonable goal. Then she asked me another question which was hard to answer. She asked me if my family was happy and supportive about my decision and I told her yes and no. My dad said the surgery would not work for me and how I would gain the weight back or not lose it at all and how I would fail. That shocked her, but I told her how she doesn't know what it is to be in a traditional Mexican family. Parents always down their children. It's really sad. I do that sometimes with Allen and I hate being so negative. Allen is probably worried that if I lose weight, I might leave him, but I never will. He is my husband. And as far as other people, well I haven't told everybody and I know that my "friends" will not care or maybe jealous, except for my true best friend. Well enough of this I will blog soon... probably around my next appointment which will be soon in a few weeks. See ya until then.

He came for the sick, not the healthy!

As I embark on a journey of weight-loss surgery, I try to understand why my life is going this way. I keep going back to the scriptures in the bible about how God sent His son Jesus for a reason. He sent Him to earth for a purpose. Yes, His ultimate purpose was to die on the cross for our sins, so that we could get to heaven and be with God, but not only did He come to saves us and give us His gift of salvation, but He was sent to heal us. I love the scripture that says that He has come so that we may have life and have it more abundantly. I have kept rejecting God's healing, and have only been accepting His salvation. I have already been saved and I didn't want to be greedy and ask for more. I just know that Jesus said He came for the sick and not the healthy. Jesus is the ultimate Doctor. He has healed my heart. I can imagine how scarred it is, but Jesus wants to heal my body now. I have so many visions of seeing me and my husband dancing and walking by the lake, like a normal healthy couple. Enjoying also the pleasures of sex within marriage. I get so down on these things. Lord help me through this hard process and heal my body now. I want to be healthy in mind, spirit, and body, in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

PCOS

Well I went to see the gyne specialist and the bad news is that they wont do anything permanent to stop me from bleeding and the good news is that, there is no good news. I have PCOS which stands for Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and it's related to the reason why I have been bleeding abnormally. So, yeah that's the situation. So, the only way to treat this is to start losing weight so that the hormones in my body, regulate themselves. I wish that I didn't have to deal with so many illnesses, but I do. So, now I'm going to try to lose at least 10lbs a month and see what that does for my health. Hopefully it will improve, significantly. I am thinking about going back to the Chris Powell diet and seeing if that helps. It's going to be hard because I love food and I love to eat. Lord, Help me!